The Ford of the Rings
by Empress Kat
Summary: Instead of a Ring, Frodo has a jeep. Very AU. Very OOC.
1. Prologue AKA The Hobbit

Disclaimer: Neither LOTR nor the Ford company belongs to me. Duh.  
  
Authors Notes: Hey! This is just a weird little idea I came up with. It's most likly been done before, but I haven't seen it. It'll probably be about 5-10 chapters. So please enjoy...  
  
The Ford of the Rings  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Bilbo was tired of dwarves. First he had followed them far from his cozy little Hobbit Hole, now they had gotten him into a yucky cave! Ugh!  
  
Bilbo crept forward toward the sound of...an engine? He peeked around the corner.  
  
"Wow! That slimey thing with a speech problem has a jeep!" Bilbo had always wanted a Ford Jeep, and now here was someone who had one! Oh joy of all joys! He walked around the corner.  
  
"Hey! Slimey thing! Gimme your Ford!" The slimey thing looked up.  
  
"Whyses, my precious?" the slimey thing wanted to know "Why should we at 'Gollum's New and Used Cars' give bossy, short thing a Ford?" Bilbo thought about it.  
  
"Well...I want it. And I'll give you..." he tried to think of something the slimey thing would want "...I'll give you a present!"  
  
"A birthdat present, precioussss?"  
  
"Well, yes, I suppose." Gollum thought about it.  
  
"Whatsss in the pressent?" Bilbo hesitated. Now what should he say? Oh wait! What about that tacky old jewelery he had found in the trash?  
  
"A ring. A nice, shiney ring!"  
  
"A ring, preciousss...A shiney ring, he saysss...it would be our birthday present..." Gollum mumbled to himself. "We wants it!" Bilbo smiled triumphantly. Finally, a Ford!  
  
"Okay then. A Ford for the Ring. Give me the keys then, slimey thing." Gollum threw the keys at Bilbo, who caught them. Bilbo jumped into his new jeep and started it up. Right before he drove away he tossed his ring at Gollum. Gollum caught it and from that day on, spent many years doing nothing but looking at it and playing with it.  
  
And without the cave forever more, only one thing was to be heard:  
  
"Shiney..."  
  
To be continued...  
  
AN: Yes I know, that was really short. But the chapters will get longer. I promise! 


	2. Chapter 1: A Maglificent Party

AN: I know this took a very long time. Would it help if I said sorry? I've been very busy with school and stuff, plus with exams coming up.... Very hectic. The good news is, I have the next chapter almost completely written up. I just have to type it, finish it, and upload it. I'll try to have it here in the next week or so.  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings and the Ford Company.  
  
Warnings: VERY AU! This is nothing like the story we all know and love. Everyone is defiantly very OOC!  
  
*~*~*~*~* Ford of the Rings*~*~*~*~*  
  
*~* Chapter 2: A Maglificent Party*~*  
  
Well the years have come, and the years have gone, and the Hobbit Bilbo still lives on. Our story starts outside Bag End, where the caraholic Bilbo sits talking to Gandalf. It was the day before Bilbo's eleventy-first birthday, and the hobbit was bored.  
  
"Gaaaandaaalf!" Bilbo whined, "I'm boooooorrreeeeed!" Gandalf chuckled. The answer was obvious to the wise road-wizard.  
  
"Well Bilbo. The answer is obvious to a wise road-wizard like myself. Simply give your Ford to Frodo. Let him run off with me, some Hobbits, an elf, a dwarf, and two other guys. He'll go see Sauron's Insurance. You go to Rivendell, the makers of fine cars since the first age. You can learn how to make cars!"  
  
Bilbo stared.  
  
"O-kay. Riiight." He was a little confused, but it seemed to be a good plan, and Gandalf had never led him astray before. At least, not too much. There was that incident with the dragon, but that was all a big misunderstanding. "So anyway," Bilbo turned the conversation back to things that mattered, "the Gaffer is bringing some of his great home brew. And we've got tons of pipe-weed too!!"  
  
"Dude, I love Hobbits! You guys really know how to party!"  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
The party was magnificent! Hobbits everywhere were having fun. Bilbo himself was probably having the most fun in the Shire. He was really drunk, and it was time for his speech.  
  
"It is now time for my speech." Bilbo slurred from his place in front of the assembled Hobbits. "Fun party, eh? It's maglificent! I'm drunkly real. I'm runkly deal!"  
  
"Your really drunk!" a random Hobbit yelled, throwing a glass of water at the old hobbit. It seemed to work, as they could now understand his words, if not his meaning.  
  
"Well Hobbitses, I'm leaving. I'm going away to Rivendell. I don't know half of you three-quarters of one eighth as much as I know the other half who are one sixth percent of three tenths and I like four twentieths of you one seventh as much as my Ford!" With that, Bilbo leapt into his Jeep and sped off towards Bag End.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
After the party, Frodo Baggins headed home towards Bag End. He was sure that his crazy old cousin Bilbo was up to something. When he got there, he found no one except Gandalf.  
  
"Hey Frodo!" Gandalf shouted when the Hobbit came into view, "We're going on a road trip!"  
  
To be continued...  
  
AN: Yes, short, I know. It seemed longer in my little notebook. More soon, promise! Review please, criticism welcome! 


	3. Chapter 2: Collection

AN: Look, I updated! I haven't disappeared off the face of the Earth! Or have I? *sinister music* Anyway, now that things have settled themselves updates will come much faster! Faster still if I get lots of nice reviews! *winkwink*  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings, Ford, Chrysler, golf carts, the claiming shotgun 17 hours before a road trip commercial, the just can't wait to be King song, or... just about anything else you see in the fic. Enjoy!  
  
Ford of the Rings  
  
Chapter 3: Collection  
  
After Gandalf had explained why they were going on a road trip, Frodo was ecstatic.  
  
"Wow Gandalf," he shouted, "now that I know why were going on a road trip, I'm ecstatic!" Gandalf chuckled. "Can I go get Sam, Merry, and Pippin, and bring them too?"  
  
"Of course. As long as you four stop and visit my man Bombadil. He'll love you!" Frodo agreed quickly, and the two arranged to meet at Rivendell, home of famous carmakers.  
  
"Oh, Frodo, before you go," Gandalf stopped the young Hobbit on the way out the door, "Watch out. There are these dudes, Ringwraith dudes. They ride golf carts. They are this really mean gang. They work for Chrysler really freaky people. They wear all black. Never ever trust anyone who wears all black. It's a sure sign of mental derangement. Anyway, they are all, like, out to kill anyone driving Fords. No biggie, you can handle them. Easy to recognize too, really tall and they talk like thisss..." Gandalf lowered his voice to a sinister whisper, "So anyway, dude, avoid them, okay?"  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"So you see," Frodo concluded "Gandalf is going to get a few more people to come with us to Mordor."  
  
"Ah," Pippin nodded sagely "and we're supposed to go visit his friend, and avoid the homicidal maniacs in golf carts." Frodo nodded.  
  
"OK" Sam looked excited, "I call shotgun!"  
  
"Dude, get a life." Merry sighed, "Frodo just said that we don't leave for 17 hours! Grow up."  
  
The hobbits turned and didn't hear the muttered 'Idiot' that was Sam's  
reply.  
  
*~*~*~* Gandalf *~*~*~*  
  
Gandalf and Aragorn rode toward Mirkwood, in search of Prince Legolas.  
  
"So you want me to come to Mordor with you just so some little midget can get insurance while meanwhile I could be seducing Elrond's daughter and playing golf with Erestor?"  
  
"Ya, pretty much." Gandalf had found Aragorn on the road and had recruited him for their road trip.  
  
"Cool!" Aragorn adored road trips because road trips meant getting lost and perhaps getting drunk, which were two of his favourite things, besides getting laid. "Hey, afterwards can we stop off at Gondor? I want to do a hostile takeover type thing."  
  
"Sure, no problem, dude. Sounds like fun, really."  
  
"Awesome. Hey, Gandalf, look! There is Prince Leggy!  
  
"Right." Gandalf's voice took on a military tone, "Ready the Lembas- Launcher Strider, we're going in!"  
  
*~*~*~* Hobbits*~*~*~*  
  
"I told you to avoid this forest! I told you not to visit Gandalf's deranged friends. But nooo, never listen to the smart one, and now look! We're being eaten by a freaking tree!"  
  
"Wait! Look! Who is that happy, fat, singing guy!"  
  
"Hey Tom Bombadil! Hey Tom Bombadillo! I will save your life! Then eat Armadillo!"  
  
*~*~*~* Gandalf and Legolas *~*~*~*  
  
"So you want me, Prince Legolas of Mirkwood, to escort some midget halfway across Middle Earth?!?"  
  
"Ya..." Gandalf agreed "That's pretty much it."  
  
"Cool! Road trips are fun!" I haven't been on one for almost two hundred years!"  
  
"You're a freak Legolas. You knew that, right?"  
  
Legolas laughed. He and Gandalf were getting ready to leave Mirkwood. Aragorn had gone ahead, saying something about getting wasted at The Inn of the Prancing Pony. Gandalf would ride halfway to Rivendell with Legolas, then go and visit his stockbroker Saruman.  
  
"Aww, come on Gandy! You know you love me!" Legolas grinned "Everyone loves me! I'm cute and overly likeable!"  
  
*~*~*~* Aragorn *~*~*~*  
  
"Whee! I can fly!" Boromir yelled excruciatingly loudly in Aragorn's ear. Aragorn winced.  
  
"Dude, it's a horse. Get over it." Aragorn had found the future steward  
of Gondor on the road lost, alone, and singing.  
  
Flashback  
  
After successfully capturing Prince Legolas, Aragorn had taken off to... er... meet the Hobbits. Yes, Hobbits, of course that was where he was going. But then, if he happened to meet them at the Inn of the Prancing Pony, that was just convenience. And if the Prancing Pony happened to have the best ale on this side of Rohan, it was merely a bonus. And if Aragorn himself happened to have a few small, insignificant drinks, well you really couldn't blame him, right? It's not as if he was going to get as drunk as, say, that guy singing over by the side of the road. Wait... he was singing that song wrong. This was not something Aragorn could permit to continue.  
  
"Oh I just can't wait to be steward!"  
  
"Um... hey, dude. Dude you're singing it wrong! It's 'just can't wait to be King! Get it right!"  
  
As soon as Aragorn had said that, the not-singing-anymore guy leapt to his feet, whipped out his sword, and pointed it straight at Aragorn!  
  
"Gondor has no king," the unkempt man growled fiercely, "Gondor needs no king!"  
  
The slight thrust of his sword that accompanied the last of his words was enough to make Aragorn take a step backwards and hold out his hands in a gesture of peace. When this failed to make the man back down, Aragorn hid behind his horse. Something told him this man would not take well to Aragorn's hostile takeover plans for Gondor. Oh well, maybe Aragorn would get lucky and this man would conveniently die at some point before then.  
  
"Right, okay, so not-going-to-be-a-king-guy, wanna go on a road trip?"  
  
End Flashback  
  
So here Aragorn was, with this freak, dropping him off at Rivendell instead of waiting patiently at The Prancing Pony not getting drunk. Stupid singing man.  
  
*~*~*~* Gandalf *~*~*~*  
  
Gandalf hopped off his bike and gazed up at Stock Broker Saruman's Magic Tower of Shinyness. It was big. Very big. And shiny too, like you'd never believe. Personally Gandalf felt that Saruman was compensating for something. A lack of shinyness, perhaps?  
  
"Gandalf the Grey," Saruman's voice filled the courtyard, strong and foreboding, yet very not shiny. "You seek my counsel, do you not?"  
  
"Uh...yeah...that's sorta your job, dude."  
  
Saruman chuckled. This was bad. Saruman didn't chuckle unless Gandalf's stocks were doing horribly. Oh no, no! He was approaching the chortling stage. Gandalf must be completely bankrupt! So the Grey Wizard did the only thing that made sense in this situation. He punched the now-giggling wizard. Hard. Saruman stopped laughing. Everything went quiet for a few, precious seconds. Then... the sky darkened. Lightning flashed. The setting was reminiscent of that of a cheap fanfic right before two people fight. And out of the blue... the most amazing thing happened...  
  
TBC  
  
AN: Heh. Cliffhanger! Whee!!! Don't worry, I'll update soon. I've found that Geography is the perfect place to write this. So if I start mentioning economy and such, that's why. It's not 'cause I lost it. That just explains the story in general.  
  
Anyways, review please! Constructive criticism is always welcome, flames will be laughed at. Not that you'd ever flame. I mean, you loved this story, right? Good! Press that little button down there and tell me how much! 


	4. Chapter 3: Of Hobbits and Heros

AN: Holy crap, look, an update! Blame it on Danielle, she decided to really like this fic, so I decided to make more. Except, this bit probably isn't anywhere near as good. Oh well. Deal with it.

Disclaimer: I so totally don't own any of this, okay?

Ford of the Rings

Chapter 3: Hobbits and Heros

* * *

Hobbits

"If I never see that man again…" Merry trailed off menacingly.

"I dunno!" Sam's voice, on the other hand, was quite cheery, "I liked him!"

"You would." Merry snickered, "Birds of a father and all." All the Hobbits laughed, until Sam realized he had been insulted and started glaring.

"So, anyway, let's got to Bree! The Inn of the Prancing Pony is there, they have really kick-ass ale!" Pippin was excited. You could tell from the way he was bouncing in his seat, rocking back and forth and poking Merry constantly.

"Pippin!" Frodo all but shouted from the driver's seat, turning and glaring at the younger Hobbit, "Stop bouncing in your seat, rocking back and forth and poking Merry! You're rocking my Ford and giving me a migraine!" Sam giggled.

"But Frooodoooo…" Oh no! Pippin was reverting to whiney-little-kid mode! Flee, flee in terror! But wait, look, it's Bree! Diversions rule!

The Hobbits drove up to the gate. It was one of those toll-booth type gates, with an automatically rising red-and-white striped board across the road. There were no people around to raise the bar for the Hobbit to pass.

"Um… guys?" Merry questioned "There are no people around to raise the board so we can pass. How do we get into Bree?"

Suddenly, a mystical voice from the heavens announced: "If you seek entrance into the city of Bree, you first must answer these questions three."

"AHHH! Voices!"

"Dude, Frodo, its okay, calm down."

"But the voices! They were talking to me!" Frodo was panicked, "I thought they'd leave me alone after I agreed to burn that barn…" he trailed off, trying to look innocent. "Not that that was me or anything… heh…"

"You freak!" Merry shouted, "Why the hell did you burn that barn! It was the best snogging hideout in the Shire!"

"Well, you see, it started with this Leprechaun… it said I should burn things… and it was fun!" Frodo's face lit up.

"A child's fascination with fire begins at an early age." Sam quoted.

"Ahem, people. How about getting into Bree? I'm hungry!" Pippin, although amused that Frodo was a pyro, really wanted to get inside. There was ale in there, damnit! "Hey, voice! What are your questions?"

"Hey! You heard the voices too, Pip?"

"We all heard the voice, Frodo. You are such-" Merry's comment was cut short by the booming voice from the heavens, which sounded pleased to have been remembered.

"Question One! What is your name?"

"Frodo."

"Samwise Gamgee, esquire"

"Meriadoc Brandybuck, at your service, and your family's."

"I am Spartacus!... er, wait, no… I am Pippin!"

"What is your quest?" The voice continued.

"We seek the Holy Grail!"

"No, we don't!"

"Why not? It would be fun!"

Frodo interrupted before the voice could get offended. "We're going to Mordor to get insurance for my beautiful, lovely, awesome Ford."

"What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?"

The Hobbits talked among themselves until Pippin randomly decided to answer 'six'. It was his favourite number.

There was silence.

"So… was he right?" Sam wondered aloud. He enjoyed a game of twenty questions just as much as the next happy-go-lucky, three-foot-tall little person with a pyromaniac for a best friend, but it was getting cold outside the gate.

"Uh… er…" the majestic heavenly voice fumbled, "I… sure… He's… close enough. Go on in."

"The gate-thingy rose, letting the four brave little toasters… er… Hobbits inside Bree.

* * *

Aragorn

"Hey! Butterball! Wanna nother drink…" After dropping the singing man, who was revealed to be Boromir, off at Rivendell, introducing him to Arwen, and explaining the ever-important 'no touchie' rule, Aragorn was finally settling down inn the Prancing Pony with an ale. His twelfth ale, in fact.

Suddenly, the door opened, and in walked four Hobbits. Three of them looked extrodinarily like Frodo, Sam, and Merry. The fourth looked like Pippin, but in a stupid hat.

"Pippin!" the Merry looking one said, "Take off that stupid hat!"

Ah, it seems these are our Hobbits after all. Good, good!

Frodo walked up to the counter. "Hello. My name is Frodo Bag-… er… Underhill. That's right, Underhill, not Baggins. Not at all…"

"Psst… Frodo! I don't think they're buying it!" Merry hissed. Pippin was silent. The other Hobbits looked at him, alarmed. Pippin wasn't silent unless… Pippin wasn't ever silent. Ever.

"What is in, Pippin?" Merry's voice was shaking. Pippin being quiet was just that scary.

"That drunk guy, in the corner…" Pippin's voice was barely above a whisper, "He keeps watching me… He's gonna eat me!" The last sentence was yelled, so that Sam, who had leaned in to listen, fell over.

The drunk guy in question looked offended, muttered something about only eating dwarves, and only just that one time, and stumbled out of the bar.

Aragorn, who had been watching from the other side of the bar, wandered over to the Hobbits and began to give them a rather drunken lecture.

"…and you hasta buy me ale, cause of the thing where you never gave me chocolate before an if you touchie Arwen you die an I rule at golf, never forget that and beware of the… the guys, the golf cart guys, and don't tell no one 'bout your Ford, and don't eat erasers, trust me on that one, and…"

"Maybe," Merry whispered, "we can sneak away…"

"No!" Aragorn yelled, "Grandoff said to protect yous guys from do evil thingys…"

"Gandalf?" Frodo guessed.

"Yeah, him with the hat." Aragorn agreed, as he dragged the Hobbit upstairs for the night.

* * *

Hobbits and Aragorn

"Where are you taking us?"

The now mostly-sober Aragorn turned and gave the tied up Hobbits what he obviously thought of as a wild look, but was in fact a rather hung-over grin.

"Into the Wild."

"Uh… right…" Pippin turned to the other Hobbits, "Do you still think we can sneak away?"

"Nooo!" Aragorn shouted, and then winced at the noise, "You have to stay with me, I'm one of the main characters!"

"Ah, right, well can you at least untie us?" Merry gave him his most eager and innocent look.

"Fine. But I get to sit up front with Frodo." Aragorn agreed.

"Hey… I called it!" Sam whined.

Aragorn was taller. He won.

AN: I probably meant to include more when I was first writing this, but this is all I have done in my old notebook, so this is all you get for now. Review?


End file.
